On Thursday afternoon, I received some pretty disappointing news. I cried for an hour, texted a few of my friends while crying, and talked to my parents while crying some more. After my hour of tears was up, I turned on Fellowship of the Ring and did my nails, trying to distract myself. But when the movie was over, I went straight back to crying. I journaled and called one of my friends, both while still crying, but nothing seemed to help. At long last, I decided to call it quits and go to bed.
As I lay down to go to sleep, I remembered something one of my small group leaders said a few weeks ago. Someone asked her what to do when God doesn’t give you the answer that you want, and she responded, “You sit there and you say, ‘I trust You no matter what,’ until you do.” And that was how I fell asleep on Thursday night: repeating I trust You no matter what over and over in my head until the tears finally stopped and my breathing evened out and my eyes closed for a good night’s rest.
Already God is teaching me so much through this disappointment. He is showing me that He holds us when we grieve, even as He turns our grieving into gratitude. In a display of sovereignty, He takes things away to remind us that they were never really ours in the first place. He withholds things from us, forcing us to let them go, so that we can hold on more tightly to Him. His plan prevails. He is absolutely trustworthy no matter what.
I’ve been listening to “The Voyage” by Amanda Cook on repeat for a while now. This song continues to take on a new meaning for me. Initially, I was listening to it in light of the college decision that I still haven’t made. It was reassuring to me that God would “send the rains wherever we end up.” It made me feel like no matter what college I choose, I can’t screw up His plan. But since Thursday, I’ve listened to it from the flip side: His plan isn’t screwing up, even when it screws up mine. Like the tag of the song says, the Lord is the wind in my sails. That means He’s guiding me to wherever He wants me regardless. When that isn’t where I want to go, He’s still the One who’s large and in charge. When it’s unexpected and undesired, He’s still the One in control. When my circumstances change, He never does. When my situation doesn’t seem good for me, He is still good to me. When it sucks, He’s still sovereign.
The Almighty, trustworthy Lord is the wind in our sails. We’re going to get where we need to be, y’all. Thank goodness, and thank God.