Senioritis: An Honest Report from the Trenches, Part I

The Beginning: August 10-21, 2015

(Throughout my senior year, I am going to be compiling posts about my experiences and the ups and downs of being a high school senior. “Senioritis” will showcase those. I hope you enjoy!)

I am knee deep but fighting.

On this blog, and particularly in this series of posts, I am committed to honesty. It’s a priority to display the version of me that isn’t perfect and edited and knows exactly what she’s going to do when she grows up, because that’s just not real. Words that aren’t real also aren’t helpful.

I would be lying if I told you I’ve enjoyed senior year so far. I am an optimist and saying that feels like treason, but it’s the truth. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate. I’ve already made several mistakes.

Most of these negative reactions have come from a root fear: I can’t do this. I’m in three AP classes this year. I have 72 days to finish my college applications. I’m in a student leadership position which requires a huge chunk of time and responsibility. Over the past two weeks, the prevailing voice in my head has rotated between one of preemptive failure and one of #winning. If I plan college tours like my family did last night, I feel organized, in control, and on top of the world. If I get overwhelmed by the possibility of failing AP Biology, I cry. (A lot.)

It feels like things are being thrown at me which I am just not strong enough to handle. In my not finest moments, it’s also easy to ignore the voice of God that tries to calm me down. I get discouraged really fast. Through it all, the back of my mind attempts to infiltrate my positive attitude: “You can’t do this. You can’t do this. You can’t do this.”

This has been senior year. It’s been tough. But I am channeling my inner Octavia Blake, because when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I am holding onto the hope of a Creator who can make this absolute mess something beautiful, helpful, and useful for His glory and praise.

I am fighting my way through senior year so far, but I am hoping it will be worth it in the end. It usually is.

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