Brownie or chocolate chip cookie? And do I eat said brownie/chocolate chip cookie with ice cream or without? Or should I separate the ice cream from the brownie/chocolate chip cookie and eat both but not together? Should I forsake the whole brownie/cookie dilemma altogether and go for an extra helping of cookie dough ice cream? Should I have the best of both worlds and eat cookie dough ice cream with my brownie?
I’m terrible at decisions.
Even simple choices about food, exercise, homework, and general time management plague me. But worse, I’ve recently become way too preoccupied with upcoming decisions. Adulthood approaches, and nearly every acquaintance I interact with seems to ask me the same three things in some way, shape, or form: Where do you want to go to college? What do you want to major in? What do you want to do with that?
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. But I think about it day and night.
I have no clear-cut path. Several of my friends have planned out their futures down to the flowers at their wedding, no joke. Me? I can’t even decide which AP classes to take next year, let alone what career I want. I simply can’t figure out my future, but that is not a bad thing.
For the past few weeks, just about every waking moment has been spent agonizing over not knowing what I want. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so deep in that hole that I can’t see it from a clear perspective anymore. It’s similar to how, once you work on a paper for two months, it’s impossible to edit anymore because you can no longer see the forest or the trees. You feel stuck, and that’s exactly the way this kind of thinking has made me feel, too.
So I’ve given up. The Bible does not say, “Try to figure out your life without ceasing.” It instead says, in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “Pray without ceasing.” Rather than spending my time jumping five steps ahead of myself, I’m simply looking to the next one. How does God want to use me as His light in my current circumstances? Not my future ones. Not my college ones. The ones I’m living right now; what’s the next step I can take to grow and to love in those? There is a next step, I’m sure of that, but when you’re so distracted by thinking forward, you forget the moment right now. Life is beautiful, but I’m so distracted thinking about how much greener the grass of my future could be that I forget to water my dang lawn.
I’m done trying to figure out my future, because odds are, what I think will happen will just make God chuckle and gently guide me in the direction He wanted all along. My constant worrying really boils down to not having enough faith. But I’m committed to trusting Him more with the right now and the way ahead, rather than ignoring the former and freaking out about the latter. He’s got a plan that would put any of mine to shame. So I will take the next step, and the next step, and the next step as they come, and look back when it’s all said and done and see a masterpiece of His glory.