The Catastrophic Costco Calamity

On Monday night, I spent almost three hours in Costco. Here’s the story. (All times are approximate.)

7:55 – My father and I enter Costco, with the aim of obtaining his and my mother’s new iPhones. We have taken the same car from a college panel night at my school.

7:57 – I am dismissed to the food court, where I order a chicken bake and a churro. One of my classmates walks past, saying hi and making it very obvious that he notices how alone I am. I tweet humorously about how my Harry Potter jacket (which I am wearing) has negatively impacted my social life.

8:34 – I get tired of waiting for my dad in the food court like a loser, checking twitter and Instagram at five minute intervals, and venture to the cell phone kiosk. When I see that the phones are still being set up, I venture to the book section (where I use a random backpack that is lying around to cover up the many stacks of Blood of Olympus.)

8:41 – I am kicked out of the book section. Costco is closing, and I rejoin my father at the phone kiosk.

8:55 – Legitimately, every customer has left the Costco but us. The employee helping us explains that the system to set up the phones keeps crashing/not working/functioning improperly.

9:08 – “Can we just leave and come back tomorrow?” “You could, but you would have to undo a bunch of stuff and it doesn’t make sense because it’ll probably be done soon.”

9:39- My father’s phone is alive! Now onto setting up my mother’s new one!

9:50 – My mother texts me to ask if we are still at Costco. I respond that we’re about to leave. Ha.

9:59 – Surprise, surprise, the mother’s phone is having issues, too!

10:01 – I begin exploring the music options on the Costco iPads. Grace Potter and the Nocturnals! Dave Barnes! Unfortunately, the one Florence and the Machine song available is on the iPods, which cannot be listened to without headphones. Which I do not have.

10:06 – @HALEingoutside: “Update: still at Costco”

10:09 – @HALEingoutside: “Updated update: just jammed out to Kidz Bop Party in the USA off one of the Costco iPads

10:10 – I pat myself on the back about my hilarious twitter skills.

10:14 – I begin to take selfies on the Costco iPads’ photo booth. (The last selfies on one of the iPads are also from me a couple days before.) The “stretch” effect is my favorite, because it stretches your face into a square and can make you look like a square-headed alien.

10:22 – I look up music to play for my dad on the iTunes store on one of the Costco iPhones. Why I didn’t just play music off my Spotify app on my phone, I have no idea. Two hours in Costco muddles your brain a little (a lot). We hear Florence and the Machine, Birdy, the new Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors song, and many more.

10:34 – I watch YouTube videos on the Costco iPhones. Nothing Much to Do! Ursula’s Picnic! Cattack! (My dad does not understand any of my NMTD fangirling, but that’s okay. At this point, I’ve been inside Costco for two and a half hours, and I really don’t care about fangirling in front of my father and the Costco employee.)

10:49 – (a.k.a. The Great Escape) @HALEingoutside: “I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED IN COSTCO FOR 2 HOURS AND 49 MINUTES

And so, I finally traveled home, where I proceeded to ignore my homework and collapse into bed, completely forgetting an order form that was due the next day. I love Costco, you guys.


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